When I was still a service medical officer in the state general hospital, she gave me hell with her full blown mania. We loaded her with sedatives and antipsychotics and mood stabilizers up to off-label doses and yet failed to bring her back to a balance. She damaged all physical restraints that we ever had (we had to resort to physical restraint when chemical restraint at high doses didn’t help). We had to run electroconvulsive therapy on her up to 12 times in a full cycle. And when she’s better, nobody wanted her. Her family rejected her. Her husband divorced her. Her children kept a distance from her. Several psychiatric nursing homes in the city refused to accept her. She was a havoc.

She finally ended up as a long-stay patient in the state mental institution, much to the dissatisfaction of the psychiatrists because they were trying hard to treat mentally ill patients in the community instead of the old-fashioned, unyielding way of institutionalizing them.

On the days when she was well, she would tell me how she failed as a wife, mother and human being. She teared talking about her children and how they had to grow up without a mother figure. She spoke with contempt how her husband abandoned her. She considered running away from the institution but later gave the idea up saying, “I guess this is my home”.

Last Chinese New Year when she was pining for her family, the hospital’s social worker arranged to escort her back to her hometown which is 2 hours’ drive away so that she could visit her children at her mother-in-law’s house. We took a picture of her flanked by her 2 children, printed it on an A4 size paper and kept it in her files so that she can look at it anytime she wants to. Although she’s better for the past year and the psychiatric social welfare team made several home visits with the hope of sending her home, her family refused to accept her back into their lives. Her only visitors for the past 2 years were volunteers from Christian based groups and she had learned to seek solace singing Christian songs. She is most probably right. The institution will be her home till she breathes her last.

Forgiveness must have been one of the most difficult things in this world.

I spent my first 6 weeks of specialization training in CGC’s ward and I observed how she lives in this place she was forced to call “home”. I must say that we have given her the best we could. I pray that one day, her children would grow into empathic adults and give her a second chance, a real home.

Today is my last day of this first rotation. CGC came to me and sheepishly handed me a mandarin orange. “Happy Chinese New Year” she said with a smile. I returned the greetings and asked her how she got the orange. A visitor came earlier and donated a crate of mandarin oranges for the patients. Each patient was handed one mandarin orange.

“If you give me your orange, you will have none” I pointed out.

“It’s okay. You are leaving and I have nothing to give you”

I put the orange back into her hand and assured her that she doesn’t have to give me anything. I acknowledged her gratitude. Her gesture was the sweetest non-verbal form of thank-you that I have ever received.

“Although I will be posted in another ward, I’m still working in this same hospital and I promise you I will come back to visit you” I told her.

She smiled. “I will wait for you”

My patient has gotten herself a second visitor. As for me, I bring home with me another valuable lesson about mankind that’s never been taught in any textbook…

Okay, updates… updates… I’ve officially moved back from KL to JB for about 3 weeks. I had mixed emotions at first but as of now, it’s all back to “home sweet home”. You can’t blame me for missing KL a little – it’s more exciting over there. My besties and buddies are all there. They are my “makan kaki” and “shopping kaki”. Plus, KL is not only a shopping haven but also a nice city with just about any interesting weekday/weekend activities to keep you occupied! And I was never really “free” in KL. At times it was exhausting, but most of the days I’m a lark. Work was busy and up-to-the-neck and stressful and all, but I never had the dreaded feeling of not wanting to go to work each morning like I did before I chose to pursue my studies. My work and studies gave me a sense of purpose Plus, I met a lot of wonderful colleagues and we all became fast friends. We just had a farewell gathering 3 weeks ago as we would be posted to different hospitals in different cities/states later on and now there’s already a proposal for a reunion. I was like, what?! We just said goodbye and parted in less than a month! Haha…

And I’m missing my BFFs too! We all had such wonderful times together that I guess I don’t mind being an only child for they are just like blood-sisters to me. Thanks, Sin for having me around you and in you house especially during the weekends! Thanks, Jas… it was fun to do things together again after so long but too bad you have to leave in just a week Thanks, Jiun for all your funny antiqs and company… God knows when I get to see you again since you are also leaving soon! Hee, I just have to say it although she doesn’t even have the slightest idea about the existence of my blog :p

Home again means I get to roll around in my king-size bed and enjoy the chilly air from the air-conditioner. It also means I get to laze on the sofa watching Singapore channels after work. I get to cook and do my laundry anytime I want to. But most of all, home means the much awaited return to Ethan’s side No phone calls, SMS or whatsapp messages can beat spending time with the real person

My new hospital is the state mental institution which caters psychiatric services for the population in the south and east of Peninsular Malaysia and trust me, that’s a lot of work! I’m still adapting to my new working place as I’ve grown to accustomed to general hospital settings for the past 4 years of my working life as a doctor. I’m currently in charge of the acute female admission ward which houses about 30 patients. My first call last Sunday was quite okay but I felt as if I was walking around a haunted castle. The hospital is just too old and quiet. I’m glad we are moving to a new hospital building early next year!

As for my studies, I guess I REALLY HAVE TO BUCK UP. Boy, I always say that but it’s so difficult to get out of holiday mode Okies, I think I better read up a little before bed. Till the next post!

Maybe it’s the post-call syndrome you get so tired you let all your guards down for once and truly “feel” the feelings.

Life is good. It’s a blessing to be able to feel. Anything at all.

Praise God…

Now I better go hit the sack and nurse my physique back to health after the post-call damage. Tomorrow there’s another whole new battle to fight!

There was no ringtone at all but I could hear the caller from the other end of the line and listen to music via the earphones. This was like one tiny bad of the day but it’s tininess is enough as the last straw to break the camel’s back.

I sat there, tired of it all and was wondering when should I drive to the mall to get it looked at, avoiding the crazy fasting month traffic. My mind just couldn’t work so I just sat there, totally helpless. Then I do the one thing that I know how even when my mind and body give up. I prayed.

I said to God, I don’t need big miracles I just need the smallest burden to be removed from me for the moment because it’s too much for the day. If it is His will, I added of course.

When I opened my eyes, it happened – my phone rang with a received SMS.

Praise the Lord!

Was unworthy, but He gave anyway…

First there were some problems at work. Then I went on call and filled up the male and female psychiatry wards with patients up to the brim, earning some dirty looks and “jonah” remarks the next day during chart round. That really tipped me into having Overnight Call Phobia so bad I think I’ll die of anticipatory anxiety on my next call.

After which my hostel room was broken into and my roomie and I lost a few things: our laptops, external hard drives and some jeweleries. Actually I lost only my laptop and the rest were my roomie’s. I still have the image of my first sight of the ransacked room fresh in my head – it was like a hurricane just went in and everything got tossed around like the vegies in the salad bowl. Our clothes were strewn all over the floor and the DIY wardrobes were broken and can no longer be rebuilt. Every box, case, pouch, bag was ripped off its contents. Besides having to clean up the room alone because my roomie was in outstation, I had to send all my clothes to the laundry, trying to recall where I’ve backed up the files in my laptop and cry about those that I had not the chance to do so.  Luckily I had a friend with me as I worked through everything with the police. That was truly a comfort when you could no longer trust strangers and there’s just this much of stress you can deal with on your own in a day. Then Ethan came rushing from JB to KL after his night locum that Friday night upon hearing my plight. I thought I held up quite well, until he arrived to help me with the rest of the things did I realize I needed him so much.

After the clothes were laundered and returned, some precious belongings sent back to JB for safety and new locks installed around the room for added safety, life was slowly returning to normal. Work was still high up in the neck (as usual) but that was still manageable.

Then came the chicken pox. I was down with chills and rigors for 2 days and I thought it was just a viral flu. The third day I detected 3 acne-like bumps on my forehead and picked at them (I know, they’re gonna leave awful scars!!). Come mid-morning, I was sitting in the library feeling itchy. Soon I felt a few weird bumps on me and went to the toilet to check. That’s when I wondered why the heck am I having chicken pox for the SECOND TIME!!!

My first was a week before the PMR (Secondary 3 major exam) and I managed to keep the pox minimal with antivirals. It was an easy week, no itch no pain no scar affair. I thought I should have the immunity with that, no? Then why am I having it again and boy, this time it looked serious. By noon I got myself an MC from the family medicine physician who strictly sent me home to rest. “It looks like it’s going to be really bad” she said.

After settling my workstuff and making a hell lot of phone calls, I packed my stuff and drove 4 hours straight back to JB with a temperature of 38 degree Celcius and growing crops of angry looking vesicles on my face and trunk. By night, I just succumbed to the stupid virus.

The next three days were hell. It was horrible but I’m just glad it’s nearly over now. The vesicles are slowly drying up and the scabs on my face made me look like a total freak. Ethan took such good care of me he could qualify as the best nurse (and doctor) in the world

As I count on the days to return to work, I pray that the scabs will peel off quickly or else I’ll have a hard time with my patients next week – who will feel comfortable talking psy stuff to a pox-faced doctor???

*sniff*

It’s a full month now that I’m in KL, trying to adjust to my new life as a full-time student and full-time psychiatric medical officer in one of the busiest hospital in the capital of the country. FULL TIME to everything I wonder where do I actually find the time to do everything. No wonder 24 hours a day and 7 days a week don’t seem quite enough. One day my plate will overflow and break to pieces. Heh.

Work has been interesting and challenging. The patient population here are very different from that of JB – more aware and educated on mental illness, psychiatry drugs, alternative treatments and their rights. The working staff here are also different – more academic oriented, strict and serious. All in all, I’m pressed to learn more and do better. My first day in the department gave me the jitteries that I never even had when I first reported as a house officer back in JB. It’s so “no nonsense” here in UMMC.

My first call was scary. I only had 2 hours of sleep and that was also somewhat disturbed because half the time I was dreaming about the patients that I saw in the emergency department, trying to formulate their symptoms and diagnosis and treatment all at the same time. Come morning, I was plagued with cramping gastric pains I had to ask for some Gelusils from the staff nurse in the male ward. Although the morning chart round with the lecturers and specialists and consultants wasn’t catastrophic, I still had to oversee all subsequent management plan of my newly admitted patients. By the time I finished everything, it was 1pm and I was ready to collapse. The good thing about UMMC psychiatry call is that you get PM off and I really need that to nurse my body and mind back to its original state after 30 hours of non-stop work. Truly, one psychiatry call here is equivalent to 2 of that in MOH based hospitals.

Despite the stress at work, I’m surviving well thanks to my dear friends in KL who, well, have always been there for me whether I need them or not It’s fun to have close friends enjoying meals with you, going to Sunday mass with you, going shopping with you, playing card games with you, welcoming you to their homes during the weekends, teaching you about the driving routes around the city and many many more. They are all just a call or an SMS or Whatsapp message away!! They just make my stint here in KL so much brighter…

As much as I miss home and Ethan, I think this is good exposure and experience. A unique change to my otherwise mundane lifestyle. Most important of all, it gives me a sense of purpose – to pursue my studies and advance my career. I was proud of myself when I didn’t shed a single tear missing home and Ethan for the past few weeks – it seemed that I was holding up pretty well. Then came the day when Ethan MMS-ed me a picture of him smiling broadly in our living room and I just burst into tears all of a sudden. I had a tough day at work and perhaps come night I was kinda overwhelmed and the sudden sweet surprise from my hubby just switch on the waterworks! Haha… but then again, did I mention a good cry was therapeutic too in times of stress? :p

With all its ups and downs and everything in the middle, life is beautiful isn’t it?

So I’m back to my alma mater once again for the next 4 years. I shall be at the mercy of endless psychiatry books, university lecturers and specialists, patients and the MOH. Hehe! (part excitement, part sadness)

I’m happy because I’m gonna be around my beloved friends more often but also can’t help feeling down having to be separated from Ethan for a while. And I’m gonna miss my home in JB!! Well, as they always say – you just can’t have the cake and eat it.
Hope this is going to be an interesting journey

Worthy is the Lamb
seated on the throne.
We crown You now with many crowns
You reign victorious!
High and lifted up
Jesus, Son of God.
The darling of Heaven, crucified…
Worthy is the Lamb.

(Worthy Is The Lamb by Darlene Zschech)

HAPPY EASTER, EVERYONE!!